Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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