Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
