I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
