Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
