He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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