im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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