i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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