Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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