I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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