her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
