Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
