Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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