Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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