My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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