Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
