exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
