People in love make me want to vomit
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So many bounce houses so little time
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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