p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
