Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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