you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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