after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
