I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
