I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.