I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
