I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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