I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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