spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
