I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
