his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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