My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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