Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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