He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
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I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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