I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
