Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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