I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
