while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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