I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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