woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
