She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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