my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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