So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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