Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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