I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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