i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
