Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
