false alarm. still invincible.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
