I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
