listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His hands were made for my vagina.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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