I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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