the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
