end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
