the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
